"numbered days"

I have been deeply affected, deeply moved and broken to the very core of my soul for the mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters of those beautiful children who died tragically in the school shooting in CT. And when tragedy hits, I feel like nothing else matters. I put down the to do list, I forget about my dirty floors and the errands I need to run and the bills I need to pay and just none of it matters. I cry, I am angry with satan, I am broken and I am hopeful all in the same sweet breath. I want to go to CT and hold every mother and cry with her. I want to scream when she screams, and then I want sit and hear all the beautiful things about her daughter and I want to look at every single piece of art she made that year and I want to sit in her room and fall asleep holding her blanket, and assure her that I will never forget her.

Because if it were me, I would want to sit for 10 days right there, in that same spot and not let go of that moment. The moment where she was right there. And it is hard for me as a mother, a child of God, to understand how anything could happen like this. How could a life be taken. One moment you are making waffles and packing a lunch and sending off your little one to learn the alphabet, and the next you are hearing that you will never see her again, on earth. And all I hear is the people around me looking for something, just something to cling onto during this time.

And then God spoke Psalm 139 to me.


Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
 How precious to me are your thoughts,God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand
when I awake, I am still with you.


How precious to know that our days our numbered...

He knew us when, he knows us now and every single moment is in his hands. Just this week I had to face my own fears of opening my hands with my children. Just one day before the shooting I told a friend of mine that I needed to let go of them, release my tight grip. Because holding on so tight somehow translates to a false sense of security to me. And what a burden it is to carry that I am the one in charge of their well being.

I was inspired to make some art this week. I saw it in my head and just wanted it to be a daily reminder for whoever makes this piece a part of their home, that their days are numbered. God knows and is in control. There is peace and freedom knowing that each of our lives are special to him and his hand is all over it. There is nothing that surprises him, he is the creator. If anything, the fragility of life has now taught me that every second matters. Every second here is a gift.

And each moment should be spent in gratitude and love.

 

 

****** this is a great song to just sit and take a moment to let him in and let him love you. I have definitly played this song over and over again this week. Oh how he loves us...

sidewalk chalk art

 

 

every once in a while I need to remind myself to just let go and have fun.

I am so overwhelmed with the fact that my 4 year old has a matter of months

at home with me until she will enter school full time.

I just am not ready to let her go, and I don't think my

job is done yet here. I don't want to regret this time that is such a

gift to me. Some days this responsibility is just so heavy on my heart in

such a good way...

I am anxious for the new season in our life, but right now I

will do the best I can to enjoy and live in this moment.

I think the best way for us as parents to give our kids the gift of joy is to be joyful ourselves...

so I think its a good idea to do things I enjoy too.

Today we made some street art.

And we are full of chalk and memories...

I love watching and stirring creative minds.

I had fun today, Grace.

And Lucy, thanks for drawing all over my art. ;)

angels wings...

I am a very broken girl. I  have carried alot of stabbing pain, sharp shooting pain in my heart and soul for so many years. I have lived under a cloud of shame and discontent. I have been puzzled by confusion and crippled by fear. Fear that everything good would be taken from me and that I deserved none of it. I have felt the overwhelming pain that comes along with feeling so alone in this world that everything around me was happening and I wasn't even a part of it. I have been dropped so low in a grave of deep depression that I lost about 5 years of my life. I have felt so anxious about so many things that I have cried myself to sleep, wasted away my days, and put anything into my body that might mask the pain of the consequences of that very anxiety. I have felt so far from God that I have told him in the past, I get it, I am destined to suffer.

But lately I have felt a huge shift. I am finding myself so wrapped up in his love that I cant even stand it. I cry all the time, tears of joy. My heart aches, for those who don't yet know of his love. I am finding a great freedom from the addictions and pain that I have thought were my problems to fix in the first place. There is not a day that goes by when I don't just stop and feel like the weight is being lifted off of me, and taken to a better place. I am finding myself more content in my own life, the same life and skin I have always been in, just seeing it through his perfect eyes. I am seeing all the dots of pain and sorrow and abandonment and discontent and anxiety and fear, connect to make a beautiful painting in my soul.

He is showing me the beauty for ashes.

He is showing me his love.

He is providing for my needs.

He is filling the empty parts of my soul.

He is filling the deepest desires of my heart, that finally align up to his.


So many people ask me all the time, why did you decide to start painting? Was this always a dream you had? There is only one way for me to explain it. No, I have not always had this dream. I never had a dream. I never wanted to be anything. I never thought I deserved to be. But my hope was that someday all the pain I have suffered would turn into something. I didn't know what it would be, I didn't know how it would happen. But he has been working when I didn't see it. He has been arranging this beautiful story since I was being fearfully and wonderfully made...He was planning my escape. My escape that led to him. And he has dug so deep into the desires of my soul and pulled out all the good that he created in me, and is making much of himself.

You know how people say that they would never go back and change the horrible things in the past if they could, because it made them who they are? I can sit here right now in front of you, and say I wouldn't either. I am so in awe of the power of the Kingdom and how far his love stretches for me, I cant even put it into words. Maybe that's why I started painting...

If you are ever wondering when this pain is going to be over, or if there is a loving God out there who can love such a broken girl, maybe like yourself, well hes alive and waiting for you. He is ready. Are you ready? Are you ready to strip off all the weight of the world and hand it to the most precious hands of freedom there is? Are you ready to accept his love? Its free to you, Jesus paid your way. Its there. It was always there. And you are never too broken or too lost to be found and captured.

Some people also ask me why I have started painting angel wings and what they mean to me? I have had no prophetic dreams or visions...I just feel lately like there must have been 77,000 or so angels surrounding me from age 0 - now. I feel so deeply like all the pain I experienced and caused, there is no way I am still here without protection. And then one day, I painted these above. And Jesus showed up right there in the middle of them and I just sat in awe and wonder. I asked my husband, do you see him there???? yes. We both finally see him. In our marriage, in our children, in our home. We see you Jesus.

A few weeks ago I was in a car accident where we blew out a tire and I lost the steering in my car. We were on a very busy freeway in the afternoon traffic. I had no idea what happened until I finally pulled the car to the shoulder, cars buzzing by at 70 MPH...It didn't hit me until we stopped. It felt like angel wings had attached to my car and lifted us up, bypassing all the possible harm, and set us down safe in his protection. And I never questioned it. Never did I say, I don't deserve that love. I accepted it. I thank him daily for it, even though I know I still don't deserve it. He still loves me.

He is my beautiful exchange.

You were near, Though I was distant
Disillusioned I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought, For my attention
You were waiting at the door, Then I let You in

Trading Your life, For my offenses
For my redemption, You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse, Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love
Could make a way
You gave Your life
In a beautiful exchange
My burden erase, my life forgiven
There is nothing, that could take this love away

My only desire, and sole ambition
Is to love You just the same

When only loveCould make a way
You gave Your life
In a beautiful exchange

When only love
Could break these chains
You gave Your life
In a beautiful exchange

Holy are You God
Holy is Your name
With everything I've got
My heart will sing how I love You

breaking out of the proverbial box

I suppose if you are of the creative type, you might have felt constrained by the box... you know the box. The one you are supposed to fit in. Your niche. You can spot a Van Gogh any day of the week by his brush strokes and his muted yet bold colors. You definitely know a Picasso by the strong lines and modern feel...but who am I?

Who are you?

I guess ever since I started painting in February, I have been waiting for my niche to present itself. I have been waiting to gain a certain type of audience...and dress my shop with a certain look. Well somewhere along the line I have found a freedom to be creative and break through that box. Some days I am full of energy and inspired by my beautiful, cheerful babes who inspire me to adorn canvas with childlike playful images, that remind me of them. And some days, my heart is so heavy for this country we live in that all I can do is paint flags, in honor of our founding fathers and our founding principals and values. And some days I miss Chicago so much that I cant stop painting Wrigley Field or things that remind me of home. And some days I cant stop thinking about sitting with my grandpa riffling through my baseball cards and I just want to create something to honor the way things were, by painting a vintage sports sign. The thrill of iced lemonade and hot dogs while learning to keep score at a Cubs game, makes me paint.


So there are many pieces of canvas that sit in my room, I stare at them. They all have a story, but most of them don't make it in. I don't know why...maybe its fear of rejection. Maybe its fear of them sitting in my shop for months with no hits. Or that feeling of having to renew an item time after time because it has expired.

But yesterday I created this one.

 

And you wouldn't understand what it is...in fact I don't even really. But I am missing my grandma dearly and this was inspired by her condo in Chicago. All the time I spent there, following and in awe of my grandmas eclectic style. Monet and Ken Done all over the place, all over here. Her bold blue Scandinavian rings and pendants and all the prints...everything about this painting feels, smells, and breathes my grandma Mary Sordel. I miss her so much that all I can do to ease the pain is paint. Someday when she is not here anymore, I will always have the memory of her that I have created, and treasure.

The box that the world creates for us to fit in is not where we are meant to stay. And I have struggled with listening to the voice of God when he says, really...its ok. I delight in you and your creations! Go ahead ;) So while you may not understand who I am or what I do, he does...and now I do. I am most certainly just a girl with a passion to make something from nothing. I am not afraid of the blank stare of a new canvas...I am not afraid of the execution of an idea that I have never seen before. I am not afraid to break through the box and just be me.

So that one piece of art that sits in my shop for months, or stares back at me here at home, trying to speak fear and rejection to me...maybe its for you. Maybe you are the only other person in the world that sees its beauty or its meaning. Just maybe you might see it and say, that was made for me.


I guess my style from the beginning has always been distressed and vintage. I cant seem to be able to leave bold colors as they are, or strokes perfect and visible. I have a deep sense of creating  worn and weatherd, lived in pieces that look like they have survived the ages. Because thats me. I feel worn and torn and brand new...all in the same. All the scratches and rough spots symbolize, me.

I am enjoying my new freedom.

an art day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My very first etsy sale!

Today I had my very first etsy sale.

I opened my shop on March 8th.

I am beyond excited and feel so grateful and just blessed to be able to do what I love.

Make art.

I have been pouring out my heart to the Lord the past few weeks...

letting him know my desires.

And he has surely answered prayer and given me a new sense of hope.

I always want to remember this day.

I feel confident.

Not in me, but in him.

I feel like an artist today.

I am an artist.

A friend of mine posted this today...

and my sale came right after I took this in and really got it.

"Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art."

- Andy Warhol

I really get it now.

Its okay to be me.

Its okay to go against what everyone else is doing.

Its okay to not look like everyone else.

Today,

I am an artist.



If yesterday was about failure...today was about faith, hope and love.

If yesterday was about feeling like a failure...today was sooooo different.

I am amazed at how quickly God replaces my thoughts. How he helps me to recover so much quicker than I used to. I knew that today was going to be different. I actually was up and awake hours before we needed to be...all of us showered and ready to go. And today, the service was different. It was about the upcoming missions trip in Feb. I have never been on one, neither has my husband. But we got to Skype with the missionaries in Quintana Roo. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I kept looking around to see if I was the only one... I felt God pulling at our hearts...I felt like I was in an oxygen chamber. Like I have never had so much life in me. I heard them speak about how the people there think we are blessed by God to go and be a blessing to them. They talked about how the people there want to see people worship and sing. They want to hear testimony. The moment there want to hear testimonies from other women. And the children...the children are so hungry, for Jesus. I kept thinking about how I would want to take Grace. She is such a light for Jesus. I couldn't even image a tiny little blond haired firecracker trying to speak her broken and adorable Spanish.

All I could think about was yesterday. And what went through my head yesterday. And how none of this is really at all about me. I just make it that way.I already hold the victory. This is not about me, or my art or what sells or what our meal plans are...its the fact that I actually have food. And I am have a home. And I have a car. And I have two healthy kids. And we have closets full of clothes...and I can run down the street and get a gallon of milk. The mere thought of it all is overwhelming to me and I cry often about the abundance in my life. But I would hold the same value to God without it. And there are so many people in this world who are lost and hungry both physically and spiritually and I want to be a light for them. Just like someone was for me. I want to hold a child who hasn't seen her mother in years...and just love on her. I want to hold a mothers hand and pray for her just like so many amazing women have done for me. I want to spend more time in the word myself so I am more prepared to handle whatever it is that this life throws me. And I want to take that same bible and hand it over to a woman who has the same hunger that I have....

I don't know if we will be going on this trip. I hope we get to and I know that if we are called, he will make us a way.

I also have been doing alot of thinking about my next move with the art...I am making some plans to get back to what it originally was. I have been so inspired by my children this past week. I just feel different. I feel like I have more of a path to follow. And I feel more confident that I am not alone on this path.

Tomorrow I am going to the dentist. I will wake up, pray, and trust in the most high to give me all the tools necessary to handle whatever happens. If its thousands of dollars more, I trust him to provide. I trust him to take care of all of it.

I just trust him, because he loves me.

 

<

Pinterest!

After 2 hours and many diet dr. peppers...I finally have a Pin it button over at my art site!

I just needed to take a few moments today to really take in how much all of this has meant to me.

Did you know that I have never taken an art class?

Did you know that I never went to college, and never taken a business class?

And did you know that this all started because one day, I just decided to buy some art supplies?

I went to Michaels, and bought a 2 pack canvas and some paint. I came home and painted this.

I had always used charcoal and oil pastels. Never painted.

I had no idea what I was doing, and sometimes I still dont.

I actually never dreamed of being an artist.
I always leaned more towards music.

I wanted to be on Broadway.

But here I am. And I have a shop.

If you are so inclined, please share my art!

I am so grateful for all the love and support given to me by my friends and family. There are no words to express how full I am right now.

I want nothing more than to get my story out. To share with people that there is no time limit on your dreams. Where you think there isnt a way, God has one.

And sometimes those dreams aren't even your own.
You never even knew you had them.
Which makes it even better.

I promise.