If yesterday was about feeling like a failure...today was sooooo different.
I am amazed at how quickly God replaces my thoughts. How he helps me to recover so much quicker than I used to. I knew that today was going to be different. I actually was up and awake hours before we needed to be...all of us showered and ready to go. And today, the service was different. It was about the upcoming missions trip in Feb. I have never been on one, neither has my husband. But we got to Skype with the missionaries in Quintana Roo. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I kept looking around to see if I was the only one... I felt God pulling at our hearts...I felt like I was in an oxygen chamber. Like I have never had so much life in me. I heard them speak about how the people there think we are blessed by God to go and be a blessing to them. They talked about how the people there want to see people worship and sing. They want to hear testimony. The moment there want to hear testimonies from other women. And the children...the children are so hungry, for Jesus. I kept thinking about how I would want to take Grace. She is such a light for Jesus. I couldn't even image a tiny little blond haired firecracker trying to speak her broken and adorable Spanish.
All I could think about was yesterday. And what went through my head yesterday. And how none of this is really at all about me. I just make it that way.I already hold the victory. This is not about me, or my art or what sells or what our meal plans are...its the fact that I actually have food. And I am have a home. And I have a car. And I have two healthy kids. And we have closets full of clothes...and I can run down the street and get a gallon of milk. The mere thought of it all is overwhelming to me and I cry often about the abundance in my life. But I would hold the same value to God without it. And there are so many people in this world who are lost and hungry both physically and spiritually and I want to be a light for them. Just like someone was for me. I want to hold a child who hasn't seen her mother in years...and just love on her. I want to hold a mothers hand and pray for her just like so many amazing women have done for me. I want to spend more time in the word myself so I am more prepared to handle whatever it is that this life throws me. And I want to take that same bible and hand it over to a woman who has the same hunger that I have....
I don't know if we will be going on this trip. I hope we get to and I know that if we are called, he will make us a way.
I also have been doing alot of thinking about my next move with the art...I am making some plans to get back to what it originally was. I have been so inspired by my children this past week. I just feel different. I feel like I have more of a path to follow. And I feel more confident that I am not alone on this path.
Tomorrow I am going to the dentist. I will wake up, pray, and trust in the most high to give me all the tools necessary to handle whatever happens. If its thousands of dollars more, I trust him to provide. I trust him to take care of all of it.
I just trust him, because he loves me.