Today the table was empty, it was breakfast for one.
My baby girl was still fast asleep, I let her take in all the moments she needed and fought every urge to scoop her up and cuddle her. And my oldest, she was watching a show about an imaginary land where all your dreams come true. The coolest part, the lead character had pink hair.
She wasn't hungry.
So I sat at the table by myself, eating my gluten free pancakes and turkey bacon...and I couldn't help but ponder so many things that have been whirling through my head the past few days.
1) this is it. This is the last year I have both my babies at home before my oldest goes to kindergarten. I have one more year to prepare her fragile little heart for what will be the rest of her life. I have one more year to tell her that she can be cheerful and say hi to everyone even when no one says hello back to her. I want her to know that God made her that way.I want her to keep complimenting pretty shoes and giving hugs when other kids cry...because God made her that way. I try to believe that she is safe here. She is safe at our churches preschool. She is safe in my car and she is safe on my watch. But quite the contrary is the truth. She is safe on his watch, in his arms, in his plan. I want to spend the next year praying for her, that she has that sweet comforting realization in her life. Next year, I want to be able to let go of my baby girl with full confidence in him, that he has all the answers to all her disappointments and challenges. I want to rest easy taking her to school at this time next year knowing that's its not my job to worry over her or mourn the empty space in my house but praise God for giving me such an undeserved blessing and lift her up every single morning to the author of this life.
2)I am deeply desiring to be fed. And I am understanding now how much more of a desire and necessity it is to be spiritually fed rather than in the flesh. I have spent so many countless hours obsessing over food, I have forgotten about the bread. The real bread. Not the gluten free kind or the kind on pinterest, but the life breathing, saving, grace giving, healing bread. I want to be in that bread.
3) I am praying to be a morning person. Because I have been "fasting" from sundown to sunup and exercising more, I have found myself awake in bed at hours in the morning I haven't seen for a while. I haven't seen them because I have been busy on my own schedule. Filling my days with my own agenda. Truth is, there is nothing my family needs more from me than prayer. Because I have also been battling letting go of the tight grip I have on this life, I see how my petition, my crying out to God for protection and help is far more beneficial than anything i could ever do. I would like to pray more for my husband and his call in this life. I would like my mornings to be full of praise and prayer. I want to rise before the sun and fill my living room with the worship of the King and give him my day...
4) I don't ever want to take one moment of this time for granted. I would rather have a dirty floor and a load of towels swirling around the dryer for the 3rd time that day than miss out on one more moment of what God has for me. What he really wants me to see. What he wants to use me for. What he wants me to know about him. I find that I get so caught up in the daily chores that I miss it. I get so caught up in what needs to be done I forget its not about the tasks, its about my relationship.
5) And I would like grace for it all. I want to experience my God on a whole new level. I want to walk so closely to him that I am not so easily moved anymore. I want grace for when I cant do any of these things, when I fall short. I want him to shape me and mold me into the wife and mother he wants me to be. I want to spend more of my time with open hands and an open heart...for him.