Saturday, December 1, 2012

angels wings...

I am a very broken girl. I  have carried alot of stabbing pain, sharp shooting pain in my heart and soul for so many years. I have lived under a cloud of shame and discontent. I have been puzzled by confusion and crippled by fear. Fear that everything good would be taken from me and that I deserved none of it. I have felt the overwhelming pain that comes along with feeling so alone in this world that everything around me was happening and I wasn't even a part of it. I have been dropped so low in a grave of deep depression that I lost about 5 years of my life. I have felt so anxious about so many things that I have cried myself to sleep, wasted away my days, and put anything into my body that might mask the pain of the consequences of that very anxiety. I have felt so far from God that I have told him in the past, I get it, I am destined to suffer.

But lately I have felt a huge shift. I am finding myself so wrapped up in his love that I cant even stand it. I cry all the time, tears of joy. My heart aches, for those who don't yet know of his love. I am finding a great freedom from the addictions and pain that I have thought were my problems to fix in the first place. There is not a day that goes by when I don't just stop and feel like the weight is being lifted off of me, and taken to a better place. I am finding myself more content in my own life, the same life and skin I have always been in, just seeing it through his perfect eyes. I am seeing all the dots of pain and sorrow and abandonment and discontent and anxiety and fear, connect to make a beautiful painting in my soul.

He is showing me the beauty for ashes.

He is showing me his love.

He is providing for my needs.

He is filling the empty parts of my soul.

He is filling the deepest desires of my heart, that finally align up to his.

So many people ask me all the time, why did you decide to start painting? Was this always a dream you had? There is only one way for me to explain it. No, I have not always had this dream. I never had a dream. I never wanted to be anything. I never thought I deserved to be. But my hope was that someday all the pain I have suffered would turn into something. I didn't know what it would be, I didn't know how it would happen. But he has been working when I didn't see it. He has been arranging this beautiful story since I was being fearfully and wonderfully made...He was planning my escape. My escape that led to him. And he has dug so deep into the desires of my soul and pulled out all the good that he created in me, and is making much of himself.

You know how people say that they would never go back and change the horrible things in the past if they could, because it made them who they are? I can sit here right now in front of you, and say I wouldn't either. I am so in awe of the power of the Kingdom and how far his love stretches for me, I cant even put it into words. Maybe that's why I started painting...

If you are ever wondering when this pain is going to be over, or if there is a loving God out there who can love such a broken girl, maybe like yourself, well hes alive and waiting for you. He is ready. Are you ready? Are you ready to strip off all the weight of the world and hand it to the most precious hands of freedom there is? Are you ready to accept his love? Its free to you, Jesus paid your way. Its there. It was always there. And you are never too broken or too lost to be found and captured.

Some people also ask me why I have started painting angel wings and what they mean to me? I have had no prophetic dreams or visions...I just feel lately like there must have been 77,000 or so angels surrounding me from age 0 - now. I feel so deeply like all the pain I experienced and caused, there is no way I am still here without protection. And then one day, I painted these above. And Jesus showed up right there in the middle of them and I just sat in awe and wonder. I asked my husband, do you see him there???? yes. We both finally see him. In our marriage, in our children, in our home. We see you Jesus.

A few weeks ago I was in a car accident where we blew out a tire and I lost the steering in my car. We were on a very busy freeway in the afternoon traffic. I had no idea what happened until I finally pulled the car to the shoulder, cars buzzing by at 70 MPH...It didn't hit me until we stopped. It felt like angel wings had attached to my car and lifted us up, bypassing all the possible harm, and set us down safe in his protection. And I never questioned it. Never did I say, I don't deserve that love. I accepted it. I thank him daily for it, even though I know I still don't deserve it. He still loves me.

He is my beautiful exchange.

You were near, Though I was distant
Disillusioned I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought, For my attention
You were waiting at the door, Then I let You in

Trading Your life, For my offenses
For my redemption, You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse, Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love
Could make a way
You gave Your life
In a beautiful exchange
My burden erase, my life forgiven
There is nothing, that could take this love away

My only desire, and sole ambition
Is to love You just the same

When only love
Could make a way
You gave Your life
In a beautiful exchange

When only love
Could break these chains
You gave Your life
In a beautiful exchange

Holy are You God
Holy is Your name
With everything I've got
My heart will sing how I love You

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