Sunday, December 16, 2012

"numbered days"

I have been deeply affected, deeply moved and broken to the very core of my soul for the mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters of those beautiful children who died tragically in the school shooting in CT. And when tragedy hits, I feel like nothing else matters. I put down the to do list, I forget about my dirty floors and the errands I need to run and the bills I need to pay and just none of it matters. I cry, I am angry with satan, I am broken and I am hopeful all in the same sweet breath. I want to go to CT and hold every mother and cry with her. I want to scream when she screams, and then I want sit and hear all the beautiful things about her daughter and I want to look at every single piece of art she made that year and I want to sit in her room and fall asleep holding her blanket, and assure her that I will never forget her.

Because if it were me, I would want to sit for 10 days right there, in that same spot and not let go of that moment. The moment where she was right there. And it is hard for me as a mother, a child of God, to understand how anything could happen like this. How could a life be taken. One moment you are making waffles and packing a lunch and sending off your little one to learn the alphabet, and the next you are hearing that you will never see her again, on earth. And all I hear is the people around me looking for something, just something to cling onto during this time.

And then God spoke Psalm 139 to me.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
 How precious to me are your thoughts,God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand
when I awake, I am still with you.

How precious to know that our days our numbered...

He knew us when, he knows us now and every single moment is in his hands. Just this week I had to face my own fears of opening my hands with my children. Just one day before the shooting I told a friend of mine that I needed to let go of them, release my tight grip. Because holding on so tight somehow translates to a false sense of security to me. And what a burden it is to carry that I am the one in charge of their well being.

I was inspired to make some art this week. I saw it in my head and just wanted it to be a daily reminder for whoever makes this piece a part of their home, that their days are numbered. God knows and is in control. There is peace and freedom knowing that each of our lives are special to him and his hand is all over it. There is nothing that surprises him, he is the creator. If anything, the fragility of life has now taught me that every second matters. Every second here is a gift.

And each moment should be spent in gratitude and love.

****** this is a great song to just sit and take a moment to let him in and let him love you. I have definitly played this song over and over again this week. Oh how he loves us...

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