Sunday, September 30, 2012

the day i became a mom, she was 4 years old.

I have been wanting to write about this for a while now but didn't know what kind of context it fit into. Is it a follow up post on our second trip to the dentist?Or is it a testimony. Or is it God just simply showing me that when I chose to do the right thing, he finishes whatever i cant and picks me up when I fall. Its about me choosing to trust him, even when I am a afraid.

Yeah, I think its a post about that.

You might want to read the post about the spirit of fear. Pretty much my Grace is terrified of the dentist. Well doctors too. And the last dentist visit we barely made it into the chair. No xrays or cleaning, we did nothing but cry, scream and spend an hour in fear. They told me she had one small cavity so I could either take her to the hospital and have her intibated and put under...taken care of and I would walk away with peace of mind or...we could leave it, try again in 6 months.

I chose to come back.

The very moment we got home God was working. We spent the next few months getting so many boo boos and having the weirdest accidents. But every single time was a moment where I could speak courage and Jesus into her heart. Each and every time we got an opportunity to be brave. And slowly her confidence built up. And then she had to get her 4 year old check up. She got shots and got her blood pressure taken and was so brave I actually had tears running down my face. I prayed with her that day the Jesus would be right there with her and she would be brave, that she would do things even when they scared her because he will never leave her. I remember leaving that place and just stopping outside to just hold her and tell her how proud I was of her.

As we were walking to the car still in tears, both of us, she said she was ready to go to the dentist.

So i booked the appointment even thought it wasn't time and explained to the women that this might be just a time where we get to the chair and that's it...but that I would pay them for their time. I said we might get nothing done, but we needed to come in because she said she was ready.

I will never forget the morning we went. I will never forget my husband playing dentist with her to prepare her. Tipping her back in our kitchen chair and using the pink gloves to tickle her teeth...and introduce her to "mr. thirsty" the straw suction tube...

I prayed with her and reminded her that even though she still might be scared, that Jesus would be there. And I reminded her of how proud I was that she was making a choice to try again. We got there and we got everything done except filling the tooth. We sat in the chair, we put on the nose, we got nitrous in her and she never really reacted to it. She let them take an xray even though there was so much crying and fear, she still did it. And she even got her fluoride treatment. To me, it was like she had just climbed mt Everest. I couldn't believe my baby. And she was so proud. She left with a confidence and pride that I have never seen in her. To this day, she still asks me, "mommy are you proud of me at the dentist???'

Baby, I am so proud of you...not because you did it, but because you did it even though you were scared.

I became a mom that day. I didn't take the easy way out. I chose to use this horrible fear that plagues her, to show her who she is in Christ. I will admit that I was scared and nervous for the outcome. I prayed through it and just decided that he would finish what I started. And each time we go she will get stronger and stronger until she realizes on her own that she can do hard things. And her life will be full of hard, hard things. I cant always be with her. I cant hold her hand all the time. She will leave this house one day, she will leave my sight. And its not my job to shelter her, that's his. Its not my job to make everything easy for her. Its not my job to take all her pain away, that's also his. If I do anything as a mother, I would hope to point her to her savior, who will do all those things.  I don't care what it takes, if we have to go every six months...we can do this.

I say I became a mom that day for so many reasons but mainly for one. I tend to be the kind of mom who tries to make everything easy. I do as much as I can for my family to spare them pain or suffering. I guess I have had so much of both, I just don't want to see them suffer too. But I realized thought this that no matter what I do or say, the world is still the world and they will never be free from pain. Grace might be in a car accident one day where she will need to be brave and let doctors touch her, or maybe she breaks her arm at the playground and we need to get xrays...mandatory. I don't know what the future holds for her but I am sure of only one thing.

Its not always my job to protect her, but to prepare her.

They praised me that day, those amazing women in that office. They said, way to go mom, your doing the right thing. I don't take compliments well but that day I did. I cried tears of joy and release. I cried that i was able to do something hard. I cried because God gave me courage just like he did for Grace.

I have no photos from that day. I thought about that when i got home. There was no documenting exactly what when on, but I will always hold that day in my heart, and I know Grace will too.

And she still asks me to this day..."mommy are you still proud of me at the dentist..."

yes baby, I am.

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