Tuesday, October 9, 2012

my heart

If you follow my story here on this earth you know that my heart is always very heavily burdened. I have shared stories of my own personal guilt from abundance. I have shared stories about me seeing a homeless man on the side of the road and driving all the way home to make him a bag full of vitamins, food, clothes and a bible. I have shared stories of when I cry over my full grocery basket in the middle of the parking lot...I have shared stories of wanting to be a world changer and not ever feeling that anything I do makes a dent. And I have shared stories of crying out to God to rip the blanket of security off of me when it comes to giving...to be confident that I will always be provided for, if I see a need and chose to give. I have been praying to be freed from the security of money so that I can have a pure heart to give, and not worry. To give the way I want to and not second guess it.

But the fact is, this burden I carry is too heavy for me and I cant carry it anymore. And it was never my burden in the first place.There should be no guilt in my abundance. I no longer see how I can be of use to him when I myself am always questioning why I have so much and feel so abundant, while others suffer. I am blessed and that is not a bad thing or something that should make me feel guilty. And is it crazy that my idea of abundance is this? My simple life, our small budget, my second hand clothes...all of it. Its all abundance. Its a time of less guilt and more action for me. What could he do through me? What does he want to do? What is possible?

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. Luke twelve fortyeight

I stood in the middle of the grocery store this morning with a woman from our church, a friend of mine, and poured out my heart. I just laid it all out there. I don't know which path to follow, its not very clear at the moment. I don't know which way to go. But there is only one thing for sure, I do not want to go down a path that was not meant for me. I want to stand before the almighty one day and have him say, thank you daughter, you did what I imagined...and you did it well. And when you couldn't anymore, I lifted you up and gave you much grace. And it was always there for you to take, but it took you many years to learn that I never created you to be perfect. I created you to need me. And the day you figured that out, your life began.

I don't know why my heart is so burdened for the suffering in this world. Maybe its because i have suffered much. And right now, I don't exactly know what to do with that. But I am getting closer. I sit here in tears thinking about all the babies who need to be held. I am thinking about all the mothers who are so malnourished, they cant walk the countless miles to get clean water for their children. I think about all the families who are so burdened by disease and poverty that the vision for their family by our creator is clouded by shame and helplessness. I am saddened by all the people who don't know Christ. I am just overwhelmingly sad.

But I also know of the mighty power that is available in the name of Jesus Christ. And I have felt his hope and restoration, first hand. I used to be afraid to talk about God because I never knew what to say but now I am finding myself asking strangers if they know him, and praying for them. I don't know what God wants to do with this life of mine, but I am sure its being revealed.

I originally started to paint for two reasons. Provide for my own family and provide for other families. My whole purpose was centered around donating a portion of my work to those in need. But I quickly felt satan whispering into my ear...well now you look like your trying to sell art by telling people you are giving to the needy. And he kept telling me that it would look like a ploy to get people interested. But I'm done with him and his lies.

I don't know exactly what this means for melissa lyons art. I don't know where God is leading me right now at the moment, but I know its good. I feel its big. So big. There has to be a reason for this overwhelming passion in my heart. There has to be a reason that I feel more energy and inspiration when I paint. There has to be a reason for all my years as a nutrition counselor. There has to be a reason I on my own time, have spent many years researching micro and macro nutrients...healing herbs and healing foods. And there has to be a reason that satan has been attacking me so greatly in this area for so many years. My own struggle with food addiction and guilt...and also my own journey with food allergies and health.

There just has to be a reason.

I am not going to buy into the small thinking that I am just one person and I cant do much. Because I am equipped with Gods power and grace to move on his behalf, because of who he made me to be. I am not weak because I cry for you, I have his heart. I am not foolish because I want big things for my art, because maybe, just maybe, I could make a difference.

So I am moving forward with his plans for me. I am going to tune in to his desires for my life better and not cloud my thoughts with what I think is safe and comfortable. What I think is the right thing to do on paper. I want him to have his way. The fact is I am torn between two different paths right now and my heart has always been on one. I just want to make sure its the one he wants to lead me down.

I am asking for big prayer during this time for me. Not for anything except the ability to discern his will. The ability to tune in and let him lead. Its the details that throw me off. I get so overwhelmed with the how tos and how much and the whos and wheres that I lose the passion because it all seems too big. But he is just really speaking to me today...

"my grace is sufficient for you melissa, my power is made perfect in your weakness"

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