Friday, September 7, 2012

an update on Grace

Oh much has happened in the past 6 months.

It all really started when we moved to Texas. Her cough and allergies has turned into some pretty crappy asthma. She coughs, throws up every single morning and her active little personality is being tested. I watched her have her first asthma attack last week. I held her while she was struggling to breathe and her little heart was going 90 miles an hour. Last week we officially got the diagnosis and now shes on 2 inhalers, a heavy dose of steroid and 3 allergy meds, preventative and fast acting. I cant say that any of this is a surprise, welcome to my side of the family. All the women in my family have horrible allergies and asthma.

But what was a surprise to me is my reaction. I guess I have been through enough lately to know that this stuff is not from God. Yes, some of the time these horrible things are consequences of our own actions, but not this. She didn't do this, it didn't seek her out personally, and this is not her fault. We will do the best we can with what we have. And I actually found myself praising God for choosing me to be her mother, after all I know asthma and allergies myself and how to handle it. I have compassion for her and empathy and I also know how to handle our surroundings and what we eat so that we heal. I got this.

Tuesday was her first day back at preschool since the summer. The first day of school when everyone shows up in their best outfits, brand new colored pencils and glue and a packed lunch. Grace lives for that day. We woke up and put on her favorite outfit and we were so excited. And then she started coughing so bad and threw up everywhere, all over her and I. She was shaking and struggling and just mad as hell. I held her and calmed her down...secretly crying with her. I told her that we couldn't go to school and it was like the world had stopped. After about a half hour I changed my mind and we left. I walked into her school very hesitant and scared. I didn't know if they would even be willing to accept this burden and love her through it. They don't have to. But they did. And we just finished our first week and she is so happy. But I am even more proud of her and I as a team, choosing to keep going and fighting even when things are tough. If there is anything I would hope to teach my girls, its that anything is possible.

We have also been able to keep going to swim lessons and that is just a God send for us. She is thriving in a new way I never even thought she could. It is the one place i see there is no fear in her. The other day she had her first moment of panic when she stopped a few inches short of the side and couldn't find her way...still under water. But Rory noticed and let her feel it out for a few seconds and gave her a gently nudge to the side. I thought to myself, if that were me when I was four, i would be out of that pool and in the car, with panic in my heart and fear written all over me. But not Grace. And I am finding myself just pouring tears over my girls and who they are more and more lately. I'm just so full as a mama right now. So amazed at how Gods grace picks me up and carries me when I am feeling like I cant do this. His grace poured all over our Grace when her body doesn't want to let her thrive. We will be okay. I will show her that she can do things even when obstacles are in her way. And I will use this as a constant teaching moment for her about how grateful we are to be alive and how bad she could really have it.

Grace, one day I hope you find yourself here and you can understand just how very much you show me in life. Your courage and commitment are beyond even my own. I am just so excited for you and who you are becoming. And I will hold you and cry with you when your mad as hell that you cant breathe or run or play. And I will be praying for you everyday...

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