So today's service was about hurdles. The impossible hurdle to be exact. The one that you can never overcome on your own. The illustration had to do with sin and how we can overcome much of our sin (hurdles) but there is always one that we cant seem to clear. Pastor Ryan did an amazing job of showing through scripture, how Jesus wants us to handle this impossible hurdle. We talked alot about getting into Heaven and how people today take that very lightly.
This is a whole different topic....how do get to Heaven.
But for me, the impossible hurdle is worry.
The holy spirit spoke very boldly to me today. And actually I have been talking to God alot about this topic in prayer lately. And its so strange because just the other day I prayed for major guidance in this area. And bam..church service all about it. Also, a lady spoke in tongues today during worship and I am pretty sure that was the first time my husband has ever heard that.
Thank you Holy Spirit for working in people today and praying for us what we do not know how to pray for ourselves.
So without going into my very personal business of sin...over the past decade I have been able to conquer alot. I have laid down much in my life and been freed from many shackles. Alcohol, cigarettes, unforgiveness, medications and much more...but the one thing that seems to always take over my heart is worry.
Specifically about money.
I used to worry myself sick about the welfare of my husband. I had convinced myself that he was going to die in war and that I would die with him. That had become such a serious weight over me, I was medicated...for years.
But as far as money is concerned, I don't have a giving problem, or a greed problem. I have a poverty mindset problem. I have a hard time letting go of what we have because I feel like its all we will get.
I think very small when it comes to money. I obsess over the numbers, I constantly move numbers around in my head. I base my mood on the bills and if they are paid or not and I definitely worry over things that haven't happened yet. Such as air conditioners breaking or car problems. Currently as of right now I have alot of dental work debt and I obsess over how to pay for that. I get angry because its not like I caused that debt...believe me I really wish I would have had $2,500 bucks worth of old navy t shirts and pottery barn pillows. But instead I have a mouth full of new state of the art fillings and pretty crowns. And a new mouth guard. Which I use to protect those teeth at night because I grind and clench with worry.
So today all I kept thinking was...what if I just stopped?
What if I just glanced at the bank account to pay the bills and walked away. Never giving another moment of thought to it that day.
What if I just stopped feeling guilty for buying my allergy free healthy food (which crushes our budget) and just praised God instead for being an amazing provider?
What if I stopped obsessing over how to market my art and sell it...and just prayed instead?
What if I just did the opposite of what my earthy, fleshy human small brain thought to do and replaced it all with praise and worship for my God who already has my back.
We watched the movie The Kingdom today, with Jamie Fox and Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman. It was about a terrorist attack in Saudi Arabia and how these guys from the FBI journeyed through to catch the guys who did it. Towards the middle, Jaime Fox is about to bust into a building and he had no idea what was in there, either bad guys with a ton of guns or nobody...and he asked the Saudi guy " Who's side do you think Allah is on?" and the guy said " I don't know" Jamie Fox said, "well, were about to find out!"
Got me thinking...about God. Why do I try to figure out so many things on my own? I already know with confidence whos side He is on. Why do I waste so many moments of precious time worrying when I already know Gods got my back. Hes on MY side. He wants to see me sell my art. He doesn't want me to be sick. He wants to prosper me. He desires nothing more than to meet all my needs. He wants our bills to be paid. He wants Grace to be able to go to school. He finds joy in orchestrating our lives.
Maybe he is waiting for me to stop trying to do it all myself.
What if I just chose to stop worrying.
Like hands down, white flag up in the air, Im done... thought in...thought out.