That sounds crazy doesn't it. I know. After much prayer and revelation it has been revealed to me that I tend to be the kind of person who thinks things are only okay when things are okay.
I am safe when I have a full bank account.
I am happy when everyone is healthy.
I am worthy only when successful.
I don't really know a specific point in my life when this started but I believe it happened early in childhood. Coming from a bad divorce between my parents and much instability at times, it became the norm for me to expect bad things to happen. I can remember a time before my husband deployed for Afghanistan this last time when I was so overcome with fear that I thought for sure my husband would not come home and I was destined to suffer my whole life. My friend Melissa, and ex military wife, prayed over me along with several other people from her church. I remember falling to my knees and weeping. I didn't know how to just trust in His plans. I know they all continued to pray for me throughout our deployment, because God has shown me the opposite of what I believed...
I keep referring back to a verse that has been on my mind and in my heart for a few weeks now...
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
I have been learning that things are just going to happen. I will get a huge tax return and then all four of my tires will need to be replaced and I will need 2 root canals, 2 new crowns and there will be a water leak in our home in North Carolina.
I will wake up one day and have a horrible sore throat and need to go to urgent care. Totally not my plan for the day. But God showed me something today. Something that may seem small to you but so big to me. Especially since my world seems to get rocked when a wrench gets thrown in.
I went to an urgent care right down the road and there were at least 50 cars in the parking lot. I walked inside and there must have been 60 miserable people, waiting. I walked up to the counter to check in and saw a lot of angry, sick people staring at me. They did not accept my insurance. Again, I got frustrated but I knew God would take care of it. Now, feeling like crapola I had to get back in my car and drive around until I found another one. The receptionist was nice and directed me to one a few miles down the road. I found it and parked. Walked inside...nobody waiting. I just smiled. I had a precious moment with God...He was just telling me to calm down, and trust Him.
Just let me love you.
Let me help you.
I told you that not everything would be peachy, but I am here to hold you through it. I am here to keep you safe. I am here to love you!
He led me out of the mess and dropped me off where I would have no wait. It took 5 minutes to fill out paperwork and get back to a room. Oh those poor people at the other clinic....some are probably still waiting. I got mad that they didn't accept my insurance but I fianlly learned to see beyond my own anger and frustration. I was excited for what God had planned for me. I didnt let what I felt define me. I lived in His promises.
Turns out after a strep test, I just have pharyngitis. Some nasty bug but no strep. Again, just easy peasy Tuesday. Just an opportunity for God to show me His love.
If I have learned anything in the past 30 years...it is this. I need to just let go of the thinking that everything that happens in my life happens to me. It happens FOR me. And I live for and serve a God who is anxious to hold my hand through every mess I come to. And if I am the mess, He still loves me anyways.
What a blessing to feel His love...