My good portion.

If I have made the past 30 years about me...

Then the next 30 will be about him.

I have had the most amazing few mornings of my life this week. Grace is in Vacation Bible School at church this week and I cant leave. I am the only mom still in the background, holding her baby, crying tears of joy.I sit and watch what Jesus is doing in such young hearts...I watch the room glow in his presence. I sit in the seats and watch my tiny blond haired miracle worship up in the front row. I am watching her sing out, cry out, and learn about our amazing creator. Love him, worship him, and let him love her back. I quiver, I smile, I cry, I get real quiet.

The story of Mary and Martha

 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a certain village, where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:38-42).

Our sermon this week at church was about the story of Mary and Martha. If you don't know it, read it. Google it, open your bible. Because I am definitely a Martha. Filling my life with busy I need to do's...I need to be's. Wandering about aimlessly looking for the path, trying to understand the path. Carrying way more than I should. Never understanding what the good portion is or even realizing that I am allowed to choose it.

My good portion has become resting in his presence every night while my family sleeps. I take a bath, and I stare at the moon outside my big window. I talk to God, I pray to God and I thank God. I invite him in and sit in his presence.

My good portion has become spending time with my babies, not because I have to...but because I have this burning desire to just be with them. Watch them, learn from them and give them the good news.

My good portion has become spending an hour in a full auditorium with kids...sitting in the sidelines dancing to some worship songs. Not worrying about whats going on in the world outside that building, not worrying about what emails I need to respond to or what bills I need to pay or what meals need to be cooked or what doctor we need to go see...my good portion is resting in His presence.

My good portion has become trading the tv and computer for worship music and the bible, not because I am supposed to but because I need it, and it feels good.

My good portion has become honoring the sabbath. Not running around trying to prepare for the week. I have traded that in for swimming in the backyard, throwing a meal in the crock pot, eating sandwiches for lunch and curling up on the couch with my husband. So many moments I have missed in this life because I refuse to sit.

I want to be a Mary. I want to just curl up in the arms of Jesus and stay there. I want the presence of God to be surrounding me all my days. I want his presence to be my strongest weapon.

So tomorrow we will go again and I will probably stay...again. I will probably dance around and cry tears of joy because I am safe and I am loved, in his presence. I will probably watch my Grace and thank God for her and her child like faith in my life and how I have learned so much from her. And I will be praying for more of his presence in my day. I will probably be praying to be more like Mary. When the storms come or when confusion settles in...or when I feel like a big mess, I will just sit at the feet of Jesus.

I will chose my good portion, because THAT will never be taken away from me.

And my good portion is Jesus.



God answers prayer.

I think for me, prayer has been the biggest challenge in my walk with God. Because I am the type of gal who likes to have an answer for everything, a list, a calendar...a clue. Well, if I could back up just a little I would like to admit that 100% of all my stress so far in 30 years has been simply because I didn't pray. Well, I did pray but not the right way.

I have spent so much of my time trying to make things happen it almost is exhausting to think about and I am glad, no overjoyed God stopped me in my tracks, knocked me upside the head and messed up my world big time in this area of my life.

Its simple prayers or big prayers, they always used to start with...

"please God, take this away from me..."

"God, I need this..."


You  know, those prayers. But something has changed in me. I feel like he has created a warrior. Someone I don't know. Someone who has been through many challenges, fallen many times and is tired. Tired of trying to do it all myself. I used to have the mentality that life was only good if circumstances around me were all good...the bank account full, no dental issues, no surgeries, no deployments...but the reality is, the world is full of evil. We are constantly being attacked. Things are going to happen and there is no stopping it. God never said circumstances would always be good. Our cars will break down, air conditioners will break, our kids will get boo boos. Gunmen will appear in a dark movie theatre and start shooting for no reason other than to spread evil. There is no telling what is ahead for any of us.But there is one thing for sure...

God answers our prayers.


I was just upstairs with Grace and we were praying (which we need to do more of). I asked her to sit on my lap and I just wrapped my arms around her and thanked God for her. For giving us 4 great years so far...and for everything he is doing in her. I asked her when we were done if she really knew who were praying to.


Yes mommy, we are praying for God.

I don't know how but kids always seem to carry this special wisdom with them. Praying for God, not to God is what she said. And that's the truth. Its amazing the burdens that get lifted off my shoulders when I start speaking that truth over my circumstances, my life. When I stop asking to be rescued but give thanks for it in advance. When I stop asking for restoration but claiming it, like it was always mine. Healing, because of the blood of Jesus.



I think my Grace has it right. Praying is not because God needs to know what we are going through. Praying is so he can comfort us through it. Its all for him. He already has the plans layed out, he knows the detours we need to take, he knows exactly whats going to happen next and he is ready and able to let us in on his amazing plans.

I so often forget that God already knows. And he is hurting right along with us. And I forget that he just wants to talk with us. Not to us. He wants to get into our lives so deep that its impossible to make a move without him. He just wants all of us.

My prayers have turned from a frantic mess to a wonderful moment in time where I feel nothing but peace. Because sometimes I am a frantic mess, but not as much as before.  My mind is quiet and my soul is tuned into his comfort. I am able to hear him clearer and receive all of him, instead of what I just want to hear. I feel confident that he is always there, working things for my good, in every area. I am confident now that even when things seem to be a mess, he is there. And I am looking for the lessons and the blessings in the challenges now. Not just asking to be rescued all the time. But that's a whole other post in itself...learning to be content in your trials.

I was watching a 48 hours special last night and one of the victims of the Colorado shooting was on from his hospital room. He talked about how he dropped down and started praying. He said he could feel the dark presence of the shooter and that when he started praying he was comforted. He felt peace amongst the bullets. He got shot a few times and was in alot of pain. But he made it out. And I know of a few others who have come out with their stories of that night. And they all prayed, and all felt Gods presence in that place. And that man, well he said, there was dark there but when you have the light inside you, it shines brighter than any darkness.


I am thankful beyond words tonight that he allows us to come to him. It just blows my mind sometimes that we are able to do that. Just go to him. Whenever we want. I find myself trying to find time with him more everyday just so I can experience his presence. His peace. I need that. I need help. I need answers. I need a road map. I need comfort. I cant imagine what it was like for those people, bullets whizzing by, chaos, chemicals...but all those who prayed found themselves in a peaceful moment amongst the storm. Its almost too much too explain but I get it now. I have been there.

In his presence.

Trading my worry for worship

Today was an interesting day, to say the least.

My husband has duty so he was up and out the door early. I woke up, got ready for church and got the girls ready. As we were all reconvening downstairs Lucy threw up and Grace was coughing up a lung.

My husband told me to just go on without him...

On a major side note, I am so grateful to have a husband who doesn't just "babysit" our kids but in my absence throws major dance parties and takes videos, cleans up, feeds them without being left a list or a meal plan and loves them like crazy. I am just so blessed and so are they. And no, it wasn't always like that but I watch him get more confident with them everyday and it makes my heart go crazy. And its not the fact that he has now started to clean up or do things without a list that is so amazing to me, its the fact that he says, go! i got this! I just think about how hard it must be for a man to be alone with 2 girls and not go crazy. There is no fishing or man talk...I know I cant go to work and do what he does. And I don't think I would even want to try. But if I come home to a huge mess, dishes still on the table, toys everywhere I have learned to love that to.
And sometimes I wish, I pray to be more like him.
More messes, more dishes left out, more toys everywhere...


I came home today with alot on my mind that just doesn't need to be there.

My unrealistic expectations of myself, my thoughts of how bills are going to get paid...

the next steps with sharing larger pieces of my story with the world...

how to navigate through working and being a mom and wife...and how to make that a beautiful experience, not a draining one.

Lots of thoughts.

Very draining, consuming thoughts.

Its funny because I can always tell when I have let my worry effect the mood of the day because my husband will always say something.

I will be sitting with him on the couch watching baseball very peacefully and all of a sudden I will get up and start picking up toys.

Then I will start doing dishes.

Then I will start panicking about all the laundry that needs to be done that is just waiting upstairs...

Then I will be consumed with thoughts of dinner...

And then he just comes out with a funny song.

Today it went, "today was going great and then it all went to crap"

I cant make it sound like he sings it on the Internet but just imagine Doug from King of Queens ;)

I needed some time to just be peaceful, so I sat outside.

But it was so gorgeous I grabbed Grace and we sat out together.

One second we were talking about ants and then next she was asking me about Heaven.I just love talking to her at this age. She is so bright and fresh and not consumed with anything yet in her little world. I wish I could just talk about ants and Heaven sometimes.

But I was thinking about all the time I had wasted today worrying about stuff and just had an overwhelming moment with God over it. Whenever I start to worry, God usually shows me in sort of a slide show in my brain, what He has already done for us. And what he has been faithful to and brought us through.

Did you know...

Our mortgage has been paid in full every month since we rented our house out over Christmas?

God has provided full rent on our current house and mortgage every single month.

We have been given so much grace in the area of our vehicles, I am in need of service and my husband has squeaky brakes, but we are still up and running, praise God.

I have alot of dental work needed, again, but my benefits ran out months ago. God has taken away all the pain until my benefits renew in August.

We have been able to send Grace to preschool at our church for almost 4 months now and pay for it each month even though we can not afford it.

I have either had a babysitting job or sold a painting and was able to pay $150 extra every month.

I sure need to be reminded sometimes.

I just need to start trading my worry for worship.

I need to focus on what God has done and is doing every moment for us...

I think sometimes, well I know sometimes I get caught up in the how's and what ifs and forget that the very life I live is because He allows it.

And there is not a moment where he is not in it with me.

I also need to start praising God for the confusing moments more.

The moments where I am just so lost I couldn't even come up with an answer myself.

Because that's when He is the greatest.

When I praise him for always being our provider, and set my mind on his promises,

the worry starts to disappear.

And when I am worshipping Him, nothing can separate me from him.

Not any bills, or dental problems. Not fear of the unknown...

Nothing.

I took Grace today on a mini impromptu date to Whole Foods. It was so gorgeous out I decided to make a stop at our fav smoothie place. Because we are both sick, I got a vitamin boost in both of ours and she was so funny...she kept saying "mommy, this smoothie is making me feel so much better."

That kid. She just gets into my heart.

We sat on a bench and watched all the people walk by...

And of course Grace greeted everyone with a

"good morning"

"how are you today?"

"you have pretty shoes"

I am definitely going to do that more with her. She loves to get out and just people watch and chat and so do I so we are a great team. I have definitely come to a place with her where I am really enjoying being with her. Its especially good when I get one on one time.
Her mood shifts. She isn't as panicky or high strung.
She is calm and gentle.
I love to watch her navigate the world around her. She thinks the potted plants are gorgeous and she loves to point out when peoples wheels on their cars don't match.

She saw this outside Whole Foods and could not stop hysterically laughing for about an hour...

"Aww mom! The apple has a mustache!"

I didn't have the heart to tell her its a cherry.

linking up with Bits of Splendor

What if???

So today's service was about hurdles. The impossible hurdle to be exact. The one that you can never overcome on your own. The illustration had to do with sin and how we can overcome much of our sin (hurdles) but there is always one that we cant seem to clear. Pastor Ryan did an amazing job of showing through scripture, how Jesus wants us to handle this impossible hurdle. We talked alot about getting into Heaven and how people today take that very lightly.

This is a whole different topic....how do get to Heaven.

But for me, the impossible hurdle is worry.

The holy spirit spoke very boldly to me today. And actually I have been talking to God alot about this topic in prayer lately. And its so strange because just the other day I prayed for major guidance in this area. And bam..church service all about it. Also, a lady spoke in tongues today during worship and I am pretty sure that was the first time my husband has ever heard that.

Thank you Holy Spirit for working in people today and praying for us what we do not know how to pray for ourselves.

So without going into my very personal business of sin...over the past decade I have been able to conquer alot. I have laid down much in my life and been freed from many shackles. Alcohol, cigarettes, unforgiveness, medications and much more...but the one thing that seems to always take over my heart is worry.

Specifically about money.

I used to worry myself sick about the welfare of my husband. I had convinced myself that he was going to die in war and that I would die with him. That had become such a serious weight over me, I was medicated...for years.

But as far as money is concerned, I don't have a giving problem, or a greed problem. I have a poverty mindset problem. I have a hard time letting go of what we have because I feel like its all we will get.

I think very small when it comes to money. I obsess over the numbers, I constantly move numbers around in my head. I base my mood on the bills and if they are paid or not and I definitely worry over things that haven't happened yet. Such as air conditioners breaking or car problems. Currently as of right now I have alot of dental work debt and I obsess over how to pay for that. I get angry because its not like I caused that debt...believe me I really wish I would have had $2,500 bucks worth of old navy t shirts and pottery barn pillows. But instead I have a mouth full of new state of the art fillings and pretty crowns. And a new mouth guard. Which I use to protect those teeth at night because I grind and clench with worry.

Crap.

So today all I kept thinking was...what if I just stopped?

What if I just glanced at the bank account to pay the bills and walked away. Never giving another moment of thought to it that day.

What if I just stopped feeling guilty for buying my allergy free healthy food (which crushes our budget) and just praised God instead for being an amazing provider?

What if I stopped obsessing over how to market my art and sell it...and just prayed instead?

What if I just did the opposite of what my earthy, fleshy human small brain thought to do and replaced it all with praise and worship for my God who already has my back.

What if???

We watched the movie The Kingdom today, with Jamie Fox and Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman. It was about a terrorist attack in Saudi Arabia and how these guys from the FBI journeyed through to catch the guys who did it. Towards the middle, Jaime Fox is about to bust into a building and he had no idea what was in there, either bad guys with a ton of guns or nobody...and he asked the Saudi guy  " Who's side do you think Allah is on?" and the guy said " I don't know"  Jamie Fox said, "well, were about to find out!"

Got me thinking...about God. Why do I try to figure out so many things on my own? I already know with confidence whos side He is on. Why do I waste so many moments of precious time worrying when I already know Gods got my back. Hes on MY side. He wants to see me sell my art. He doesn't want me to be sick. He wants to prosper me. He desires nothing more than to meet all my needs. He wants our bills to be paid. He wants Grace to be able to go to school. He finds joy in orchestrating our lives.

Maybe he is waiting for me to stop trying to do it all myself.

What if I just chose to stop worrying.

Like hands down, white flag up in the air, Im done... thought in...thought out.

What if?



Sunday Reflection: Divine Disappointments

 Pastor Ryan was on vacation so Pastor Mike gave the sermon today. He is the youth pastor at the church we have been going to since we moved here. He and his wife Susie (who I adore!) spoke on

divine disappointments. 

He started out by giving the definition of disappointment:

Disappointment

 The feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.

There have been many times in my own life where I felt great disappointment.

 In my marriage

 in my finances
with my family

 in my personal goals...

As I sit here reflecting on the last 30 years of my own life, I  see how God uses the disappointments in my life for good. Places I didnt want to move to, turned out to be the biggest blessings. Lost jobs or opportunites turned into bigger and better opportunities. Financial troubles have drawn me closer to God and my trust in Him like no other situation could have. Physical disease and waiting for healing has taught me patience and compassion.

Sometimes disappointments in our lives aren't even for us. Sometimes God uses them to bring change in someone else...open up a way for God to work in someone elses life.

 Now thats a heavy thought.

Some disappointments are small and some are big. As I am writing this I am watching a funeral prosession go by my house. Disappointment is not even the word for whoever is on the other end of this loss. I have had many friends lose family members suddenly and people get cancer. I dont have all the answers to all the bad stuff this world can put out but I do know I serve and love a God who is only love. And some answers we will have to wait on to be revealed. But I do know one thing for sure.
If we had no hardship, we would need no God.

It has definitly taken me 30 years to understand that no matter what I see, God sees bigger.

He is the author of this story and I am here to make sure the credit goes to him.

I have set my thoughts on an expectation and been disappointed, but when I open my heart to him fix my eyes on him alone, He never disappoints me.

Disappointment is just a feeling we have when things dont go our way. But what is our way, anyway? But we can never be disappointed when we allow God to move in His way.When we make a choice to live in His space, in His will. Nothing could ever come between God and his love for us and no one could do a better job at writing this story.

One more day and I am 30!!!!!