when he was my religion, not my God.

I will never forget the day my husband walked into our apartment, crisp uniform and tight haircut, with a hand full of papers and a look on his face. I don't really remember the words he used or the tone in his voice but I will never forget the feeling that came over my body. The fear.

I am going to war.

I wish I could say that we were so young and naive and unseasoned, but that wouldn't be true. I had already experienced alot of pain in my life up until this point, a lot of trial. This was one I never knew I needed so bad.

The back story on us is that we didn't meet on a blind date or at a youth meeting or we aren't high school sweethearts...we met at the worst time of both of our lives. We were both broken, we were both lost. Immediately we clung to each other in hopes that each other would save us from all the pain and heartache. I clung to my husband from day one and held a grip so tight, it was all wrong from the start.

Despite all the sin and pain and torture that both of our souls were going through, we both knew from one special particular moment that this was meant to be and we would stick it out. We were not spirit filled, we were desperate. Each of us desperate for a different life, and found that in each other.

So when my husband told me for the first time that he was going to war, I felt a wave of panic and fear that I couldn't even put into words. The first things that came to mind were,

Hes going to die.

How am I going to live without him?

Why is this happening?

Hes going to die.

Looking back on the last decade of my life, I can now see that satan had a big tight grip over my spirit and used everything he could to torture my already tortured soul into believing that God had chosen me to suffer and this was my destiny. I felt I served a God who didn't even know I existed and had made me different, chosen me to go into the wilderness alone, and suffer, and die.

I began to have panic attacks that would literally grip my body and cause it to shut down. I would go into the bath tub and cry for an hour, my face so tight and full of emotion, I would sob tears of fear and it felt like they were coming from the deepest part of my soul. The fear and panic and paranoia were so deep in me that, its what I lived and breathed for most moments of all three of his deployments.

Each time I had to leave the bus, the first time with no children, watching him pull away with the thought, surely that was the last time I would see him. I have been really asking God to do some real deep digging inside of me and open my eyes to what is the real root cause of all of my fear in life, and he has told me its because I make him my religion, but not my God.

My husband was my God.

Food was my God.

Alcohol was my God.

Cigarettes were my God.

The gym was my God.

The attractive man who payed attention to me at the bar was my God.

My friends were my God.

I was a slave to my surroundings and had lived a life at such a young age of needing so much rescue and feeling so alone and broken, that I got used to the feeling of physical rescue. I had gotten used to the immediacy of a drink and a cigarette and a good song or the great feeling of a workout or a carton of ben and jerrys or a glance and a wink that came my way...

I spent our first deployment in so much fear that I quit my job so I could stay at home and receive my husbands phone calls. He would always call at 530 am my time and that's when I opened the gym I worked at. I quit because I couldn't handle the panic of the phone ringing and me not being able to answer it. I quit because I was depressed and afraid.

After a long deployment of much fear and panic and much sin, my husband came home. And we would do it two more times, my husband has been gone more than 30 months in our time in the military so far due to deployments and training...and God has used each moment to show me how to lean on him only. I have had my husband and the comfort of my routine ripped out of my tight grip so many times, that now I know in my heart it was only for my good.

I remember his third deployment being so afraid again that it was his time to die that I came home from watching the buses leave and called a dear friend who had no words to say. She knew that I needed much more than a simple, its gonna be okay honey. She knew that this deep rooted fear was only something that Jesus could confront. She called a pastor friend and a prayer chain was on my phone, my door was shut I was on my knees and before I knew it God had begun his good work of breaking my chains. The holy spirit filled the room like I have never felt before. Gods love was being unleashed on me like I thought I never deserved or would ever experience. This is when he begun to show me that He alone, was my God.

The first 5 years of our marriage, my husband was my God. I intrusted my whole life to him. I leaned on him and expected him to be my all, my everything. My mood was based on his mood and the state of my soul was dependent on the state of his. My identity was in him, and that is why I had so much fear.

I pray often for God to open my hands up and release the tight grip that I have over my husband and my children, and for me for that matter. And just the other day while I was walking up the stairs, he whispered to me, your so afraid because you think this is your life, that you control it. So whatever you do, is what determines the outcome...

Thank God I am not in charge here. And thank God that every time my husband leaves for war or for the gas station, I can trust God to prepare me, equip me, deliver me, save me and heal me from whatever the outcome is. I have learned that it is better to focus on this moment and thanking him for each. I have learned that the paranoid thoughts and feelings that beat up my mind and body so bad are not from him and he is hurting right along side of me. But the most important thing i have learned is that he loves me. And that love is more comforting than any other earthly love that I have sought after.

If you are a military wife reading this and you are experiencing great fear right now, I say run to your nearest church, run to the bible and his comforting presence. Have someone pray over you, many people pray over you and let God remove the overwhelming sense of panic and fear. Sit and read his word, his promises to you and write them out and put them all over your house and write them on your heart. Ask God to use this fear to reveal a deep new found peace and love, in him.


And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.


Philippians 4:8

my husband gave a speech

My husband gave a speech the other day to the BMTCP graduates. It was very last minute, in fact he was asked the night before...but he did it and I am a very proud wife. The video cuts in and out quite a bit so I have written out his speech below.

 

 

 

 

 

Good morning distinguished guests...

 

 staff and students, family and friends...

And the reason why we are here today…class 165-170

　

I am standing here today very humbled and grateful for the opportunity to share this great moment in your career.

 

Today is an important right of passage. You been dedicated, you have persevered, and you have built a strong foundation for the rest of your career.

 

 

I have no doubt in my mind that you will take all the knowledge given to you by your instructors and you will leave these doors of Anderson Hall and do great things.

　

I am honored to stand here with you today knowing that we have all made a similar choice to stand up for our country and defend her.

As I stand here before you today, I am remembering this day 11 years ago, when a hidden enemy devastated our country. Millions of Americans were glued to their television sets watching the horror unfold.

　

What we saw that day was two pillars of freedom fall. Our Pentagon was attacked. A plane full of brave Americans took down a hijacked flight .

The day was confusing, things were scary and you couldn’t stop watching the coverage. You couldn’t eat, you couldn’t sleep…life stood still.

But the thing about America is, you can never keep her down. She will always overcome obstacles. And she is able to do this because of the brave men and women who will stand up and say, “I will defend her.".... Just like you, just like your instructors, just like everyone in this auditorium. We all took a stand.

As we come into this building every morning we see the faces of those who have gone before us and paid the ultimate sacrifice…we also honor them today.

John 15:13 says,

“greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

　

　

We saw examples of this that day when we saw men and women of service, running towards danger. Most of these responders that day were police officers, fire fighters, medical personnel and other heroic volunteers, but the one thing we all answer the same call when our country cried out for us.

And today, it is you. You are answering the call. Today is your day to stand tall and know that you have a whole country behind you, supporting you.

Its not always going to be easy. There are things out there that we would never be able to prepare you for.

But if I could give you any one single piece of advice today, it would be that you keep the same dedication and pride that you feel today, with you throughout your entire journey and on your hardest days ahead. And Ladies and Gents, there will be hard days.

But just know that your family is proud of you, your instructors are proud of you and you have an entire country that is proud of you. You are the ones who stood up in a time of war and said YES, I will defend our country.

On September 20^th President Bush brought our nation together. In that speech he laid out his plans for the perpetrators of that day.

“I will not forget the wound to our country and those who inflicted it. I will not yield, I will not rest, I will not relent in waging this struggle for freedom and security for the American people.” This is the call that we answered. This is what you are standing up for today.

 

It was these words spoken to us by the president that inspired me to join the Navy. It is probably why some of your instructors joined. And maybe the reason why some of you joined.

 

In May 2010, I got the chance to go to Fleet Week in New York City. I was given the honor of re-enlisting at Ground Zero. Right where the towers fell. Seeing the faces of the people of New York, their gratitude and gratefulness is why I am still here today. It is why I am still in the fight.

Our very first military ball...

Could you believe that this was our first military ball???

My husband has either been in training or deployed for all of them,

so finally at almost 7 years in...

we went!

We celebrated the 114th birthday of the Navy Hospital Corpsman.

In the 4 years that we have had our children, I can count on 1 hand the times we have had a night out!

But we still left early to get home to our babies.

I always plan on trusting those who watch them and letting go a little...

but it never fails I am always itching to get back home.

The night was full of amazing speeches, one by Master Chief Prince. He was witty and sarcastic and reminded me of my husband...

I wanted a photo with him so bad but I didn't ask.

Scott was part of a tribute honoring fallen corpsman.

I have never seen my husband be so vulnerable and honestly it was a little difficult to watch him simulate what its like to work on a wounded marine. The basis of the dramatic simulation was that a corpsman doesn't let go or give up on a wounded marine.

I watched my husband do exactly what I know he has done and would always do...

lay down his life.

I am in awe of all the men and women who sign up for this.

Through all the fancy ball gowns, makeup and champagne...

I am just grateful to be a part of this.

I feel so blessed to be married to a man who not only took an oath but who lives out that very oath in his everyday life.

And I am just in awe of all the men and women above us who have so many stories to share and so much wisdom, I can only hope that we would be so graceful one day.

So heres to the United States Navy

and

The Hopsital Corpsman!

We had a blast!

Our journey in the military so far...

My husband and I are pretty quiet about this part of our lives...

We are both grateful for the opportunity to serve our country...the good and the bad.

But there comes a time in ones life when you must look back to where you came from.

My husband has been gone 33 months of the 6 years we have been in.

Bootcamp, A school, Fleet Marine Force, 2 deployments to Iraq, 1 deployment to Afghanistan, countless training, 5 duty stations, 2 babies and 3 surgeries later...

I wouldnt trade any of it.

There is no doubt in my mind that I was created to be a military wife.

And there is no doubt in my mind that I was created to be my husbands wife.

The lessons I have learned while living in faith and learning patience through deployments is priceless.

The ability to stay calm while my husband is in a war is a gift and I carry that with me through hard moments now.

 A gift I would never had the opportunity to have been given if this weren't my life.

But the greatest thing I have learned through this part of our life...

Is that God is only love.

We just dont always see the challenges and trials in our lives as love.

But when you are given comfort when you are scared...

thats love.

When you are deliverd from your worst fears...

thats love.

When you are given opportunites to bring peace to the world...

thats love. 

I will forever keep these moments of our story, in the deepest part of my heart.

I never want to forget how we have overcome 3 times to war and a birth apart.

 I never want to forget how God took a fragile and lost girl and turned her into a precious testimony for his love.

What a priveledge is has been to move along in this journey.

What precious gifts I have received.

....the moment when your daughter sees her daddy for the first time in 8 months

...the moment you realize you are about to give birth while your husband is on a scratchy phone in Afghanistan.

...the joy in your husbands voice when he hears his new baby girl

..gettting to surprise your husband with the sex of your new blessing.

...being able to teach your children the importance of finding the good in every situation.

I am so proud of my husband for giving his life away along with

 all the other men and women we serve along side of.

 I am so grateful to be a part of this community.

It's important for us to be able to make record of these moments so that we can look back on them when we are faced with trials again. Its important for me to be able to look back on the deep holes God has pulled us out of.

The long periods of time my husband and I were out of contact...

The strength I have clutched onto in my most lonely and scared moments...

I want to always remember how I would lay on the floor, barely able to breathe, praying for my husband's safety.

And how he came home.

I want to always remember that

I can do hard things.

I want my life to be a reminder that if you want to be first...

you have to be last.

If you want to be strong...

You must first be brave.

If you want to win...

You must be in the race.

Happy 4th!

The story of Lucy James...

One year ago today my Lucy, you were ready to come into the world.

Your daddy was deployed to Afghanistan, it was just you and me. Daddy was able to be on the phone with us the whole time.

It all happened so fast. Actually at first it happened slow. I thought because your sister came early, you would too. I didn't listen to God tell me to let Him be in control. I made plans for help to come and your great grandma Mary came for 3 weeks. You didn't arrive and she had to go home. Then your grandma Debbie came from Ohio and stayed for a week. For weeks before hand I tried to make you come out. I had weeks and weeks of short hospital stays because I had tons of braxton hicks contractions. They said I was in pre labor with you for 3 weeks, but you still didn't want to come out yet. I did everything I thought of to get you to come out, but the ONLY thing I didn't do was trust God and His timing. I mowed the lawn, I took miles and miles of walks...I ate entire pineapples. All I got was heartburn. No you...

 It was the last weekend we had help. Your grandma Debbie had to leave to go back to work so our doctors set a date to induce. You were going to be induced anyways by 39 weeks because I had gestational diabetes. I drove myself to the hospital at 5 am on a Thursday. I cried the whole way there. I felt so alone, your daddy was gone and I wasn't ready to have you. I thought about turning around. I was driving in circles. I struggled for many weeks before you came with how things would be. I thought I could never love another child as much as I loved your sister, Grace. I wanted you out so bad but I wasn't ready. I was so lost. Things felt so strange. We started the pitocin and it went on for hours. We never had consistent contractions. It was so irregular. My body was so tired and I was struggling with everything. At one point our nurse came in and I just lost it. I told her that I knew why the induction was working. I wasn't ready. My body was but my heart wasn't. I needed to let go.

They stopped the meds. They called it a day. They said we would try again the next day. I couldn't believe it. Now we had lost a day. Frustrated, I turned to God. It just so happened that I had a Joyce Meyer book with me. It was called Power Thoughts.Ashley, my nurse friend, and I read it together all night long. I knew that there was some lesson that I wasn't getting and I needed God. I just needed to spend time with Him. Ashley and I prayed, read and contemplated what it was that was being revealed to me all night. Bless her heart she stayed so late...It turns out all I needed was to learn to let go, and let God. I was letting all the details of your birth and how things were going to be for us at home alone following your birth, scare me. I was afraid if I couldn't control how things went, we would be a mess.  I read, prayed and received and we called it a night. You were still in my belly. They gave me some meds to sleep so I could be strong for you the next day. We were going to do it again. Round two.

I woke up the next morning renewed. I felt strong. I knew it was going to be the day! I actually took a shower! I had not eaten since the night before I came to the hospital so now it had been a few days. I was starving. But more hungry for you than anything! We started the meds and contractions started. They kept growing stronger and stronger. We started at 8 am. I anticipated the same back labor that I had with Grace so as soon as I felt I couldn't take it anymore, we got the epidural. Back labor is so painful Lucy, I hope you don't experience it. I began to relax into my contractions and was still dilated at 3. They decided to break my water. Things were moving very quickly. Once I felt totally relaxed, I decided to take a little rest. I watched the monitor show waves of steady contractions and it lulled me to sleep. In the midst of my nap, I felt the nurse check me. She had rolled me over the side and I could hear lots of commotion. All of a sudden, she ran out of the room and called everyone in. I was now fully dilated. You and I were ready. 

It was 11 am. Our midwife came in, opened up the blinds wide...Everyone got their blue gear on and
 started to prepare for you. I pushed a few times waiting for everyone to get ready and you were coming. They told me to stop, you were right there. I couldn't believe it. My heart was pounding so hard Lucy, I was ready. I praised God for the lessons He had taught me. I prayed for you. I prayed for daddy, that He would be near a phone. Earlier I had sent him an email saying we were ready. I know that God led him to a computer right at that moment because he called within minutes. I handed the phone to our friend Heather, I couldn't handle being on the phone and pushing!

We stared the pushes. I couldn't believe how amazing I felt. I couldn't believe how beautiful the room looked. I couldn't believe how much I loved you. God had heard my prayers and answered them. After twenty minutes of pushing, you came out. There was a moment where I pushed and everyone turned away waiting for the next contraction. It was surreal. They all had their eyes fixed on something else in the room besides me and you. But you were there. I yelled to Kelly, our midwife, shes coming! She turned and you were half way out...she caught you.

You arrived at 11:44 am. Your daddy heard the whole thing. Our friend Heather took you to get your fingers and toes printed, weighed and bathed. Usually the daddy goes, but he wasn't there. I remember aching for you, just to see you. I wanted to go so bad. But we had to deliver the placenta and get cleaned up. I just cried and cried for the next hour. I was in awe of what had just happened. I had so much tearing with your sister. I was in so much pain with her. I didn't know God then like I do now. I didn't know how to trust Him back then. Things were rough during her birth. But with you, the minute you came out, I remember thinking, I could do that again right now. It was magical. I actually got up and walked myself to our new room. Right after I devoured some suspicious hospital meat and a salad. I was starving. Oh and a diet coke ;)

 I shared the most precious day and night with you in this room. It was just you and me. We had no visitors. No phone calls. I wanted it that way. I knew that you and I had a rough road ahead and I wanted to make the 24 hours we were in this room special. We practiced nursing, we talked, we cried and we slept. Your pediatric doctor was a gift straight from God. He kept telling me not to worry about anything and that we were doing great. He knew exactly what to say and when to say it. Your grandma and sister came to see us. And then the next day we drove home. You and me. There were no hospital pictures. This is me taking a photo of us. We were alone. I remember thinking what a big deal it was to take Grace home, first time in the car seat and in the car. But it was just us. I found myself very sad that nobody was there to celebrate you in that way. It was raining the day I brought you home. I didn't even remember how to put your seat in properly!

We drove home, walked in the door and I showed you around. A few moments later, your grandma had to go home. She had a long drive ahead of her and had to get back to work.

Heather was there for a while, she let me shower and get a little organized. But she had to leave too. In a matter of a few hours, it was just you, me and Grace. Alone. I will never forget having to go to the grocery store the next day. I had given birth three days earlier and here were were, grocery shopping. The next few months were crazy! But we made it.

Today you turned one. I cant believe how fast time flies. I cant believe how much love I have for you. Lucy, you hold the most special place in my heart. God has shown me many things about Himself through you. I have learned how strong I can be with Him. I have learned that He will prepare us for everything He asks us to do. I have learned how emotions are not the truth. He is. I learned that the closer we walk with Him, the easier things are. I now know that when we try to take control of every detail, fear steps in. And that there is no way that we could possibly make everything turn out the way that we want it to. When I was trying to control how everything happened in our pregnancy and birth, God had other plans. And it wasn't until I let Him take the lead, that all my fears went away.

My love for you has been part of my story. The story God is writing with my life. Today, I want you to know how beautiful you are. I want you to know that every morning you wake up, you give me the cutest smile. I want you to know how much love you have in your heart already. You make people laugh and you brighten the darkest days. I will never forget this year, as long as I live. You have left a mark on my soul and I thank God everyday that He gave you to us. Thank you for being so good and patient with me as I navigated the first few months of raising you alone. It was a lot of trial and error. But each day, God was with us. And He still is. And I want you to know that He always will be...as long as you let Him.

I love you Lucy James.